For the past couple of months, I've been struggling with what I put my worth into. A few months ago, I would say that I put my worth into horn playing. And when I wasn't playing well, I would always blame something other than myself. I was striving to a goal that was unobtainable because I have TMJD, and I can only play and do so much on the horn.
I was preparing for a 20 minute jury. Times prior to then, I was receiving a lot of praise, especially from my large ensemble conductors. I felt confident because I was basically told that I was going to get my Performer's Certificate (PC) before I even received it. Going into my jury, I had the mindset that I already had my PC. I was cocky, and even a little arrogant. Although I did not make that so public, it was in my heart.
My performance went horribly. I've never felt so awful and embarrassed in my life in a performance before. I made mistakes that I usually do not make, and all the things I have worked on all year were not present in my performance. All I did was cry and think about how bad my performance went. It has been hard for me to recover from such an event. But then I stumbled upon this bible verse.
2 Corinthians 6: 3-11
"We put no stumbling block on anyone's path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report, genuine, yet regarded as imposters; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.
As a servant of God, I must always be satisfied in Him. Although right now it may seem like I have nothing, I have everything because Jesus Christ is my Savior in heaven, and he chose me to be a part of His kingdom. Why shouldn't I rejoice in that?! My Lord always provides and gives me what I need at the right time. I have realized that no matter the circumstances, no matter how well or how horribly I play horn, my worth is in Christ. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. He is my all. And today, I chose to rejoice in the Lord because He is almighty, powerful, and He is Love.
I praise God for not getting my PC because I would have never realized how important He is, how important it is to keep my faith, and to be satisfied in only Him.
